I started down the path of being a coach in November 2016.  Here we are a year later and I’m realizing that so much personal growth has happened throughout this journey that I never even imagined possible. I was so eager to be a coach. There’s a fire in my belly…I was meant to do this. However, as I started taking on clients and going through all the exercises learning how to be an effective coach, something was nagging at me. There were so many things in my own life that were blocking me from showing up as my true, authentic self.
So I did what I believe every coach should do…I hired a coach. After working with my own personal coach (it’s been several months now), I was able to feel the discomfort in the shift as I started dropping the masks and allowing myself to be…ME. Recently, my coach asked one powerful question: “Who are you becoming?”  I appreciated this question, as I believe that life is a process and every day is an opportunity to be/become the best version of our self. So I took some time to really let that question sink in.   Here’s what I came up for me…
Who am I becoming?
When I think of that question, what really comes to mind is how I have suppressed who I have always been.  I’m smart, sensitive, empathetic, giving, and I love hard; I have somehow always thought that these things could be very negative things about myself (I’ll explain later).
So how can I be all those things in a way that empowers me to live my true purpose?  Who I am becoming is a person that is comfortable enough in her own skin and mind.  With that…I can confidently and passionately live the life I was meant to live.
Smart– I’m a problem solver. My brain processes quickly and the gears are always turning. I grew up being told that because I “thought differently” and challenged information I didn’t agree with, that I was belligerent.  I was punished for thinking differently and for having an opinion or for being curious. It taught me to not step out line (at least  not confidently…I am who I am and I could never turn my brain off)  Who I am becoming is someone that lives with true curiosity.  I ask questions, listen and trust my gut. When something doesn’t sound or feel right…I do my research and form my own thoughts and stand by them.  I welcome discussion, I see now that not every disagreement is a “failure” for me, and I’m not out to prove anyone wrong. I am genuinely curious and embrace my love of learning, even if it goes against everything I’ve been previously taught.  I’m becoming confident in my thinking and learning.
Sensitive– I have spent my entire life being ashamed of feeling; I believed it meant that I was vulnerable and weak. I’m becoming someone who is aware of my feelings and looks for what those emotions are telling me.  I’m becoming someone that can look within and ask myself, “why do I feel this” and then I can choose how to respond.  The emotions being felt aren’t bad…it’s how I ACT on them. I’m becoming in control of my response to my emotions.
Empathetic– When others hurt, I hurt. A hungry stranger on the side of the road, a sad family member, or a scared child…I feel it. This ties in with being sensitive. However, I’m also a “fixer”. I’m am someone who is empathetic, but now recognizes what I can and cannot do.  I’ve sometimes become so overwhelmed with empathy that I fall (or rather jump) into others’ turmoil.  I can have empathy and compassion, but need to recognize when I can TRULY be of help or when all that is needed is for me to listen, acknowledge and validate. I’m becoming aware of my own boundaries.
Giving– I’ve always thought of myself as a “giving” person.  However, in certain relationships I saw it more like a bank.  I made all these deposits, with the idea that I could withdraw when I needed to.  This often leaves me disappointment, hurt, and embarrassed when I go to make a withdrawal (especially from my closer relationships) only to learn that it doesn’t work that way.  To truly give, you must do it without any expectation of anything in return.  I’m becoming a true GIVER, understanding that to give is to do so without expectation of return.
I love hard– I’m passionate, if I decide I love, then I LOVE.  I laugh at myself often because it doesn’t matter what it is, if I love it…I’m so devoted that I’m laser focused. I think it stems from fear that if I don’t love something or someone hard enough, then I deserve the failure, rejection, loss, etc. . Even things that I don’t necessarily need, or are actually toxic, I will convince myself that I just need to love harder to make it right.  Does that make sense? Almost like a “if I love you, then you won’t hurt me” or a “if I give my all, then I’ll be happy in the end”.  I’m recognizing that not EVERYTHING or EVERYONE deserves my passion.  I love hard for the end game or the outcome. Not really allowing myself the time or the space to pause, look around and decide if I even really like it. I love people so hard before I even really know them or their intentions.  I love hard, and often love the wrong things. Last night someone said to me, “you were always enough, you just gave your best parts to the wrong things” and I thought “WOW!”  I have been loving so hard and giving so much and when all is said and done, I can’t really tell you what I truly love.  I’m just being passionate for the sake of being passionate.  Giving my best parts to everything except stopping and asking “do I really love this?”  I’ve been so attached to the outcome, I didn’t recognize that the process was killing me. I was on this cycle of  “if I just love hard enough and hit the goal…I’ll finally be happy” I’m becoming someone that looks at myself and asks, “what really makes you happy and how can you live and love that passionately?”.
So, the truth is I’ve always been smart, sensitive, empathetic, giving and passionate. However, I’m becoming someone that lives those qualities authentically, confidently and without compromise of my own peace. I’m exhaling my true self and doing so un-apologetically. I’m breathing…finally breathing.
For more information on how YOU can begin your transformation and BECOME who you were truly meant to be, email me at aliceanneloftus@gmail.com
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2 thoughts on “Who am I becoming?

  1. I loved reading this and getting to know you a little bit better. Cheers to all that you have accomplished in this past year and to the journey you continue to take!

    Like

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